Straight Girls Are Friends, Not Food: Sexual Aggression and Double Standards
I went over to see a friend at a club in Kilimani. I joined my friend’s table: a group of girls who were excited about having a “Girl’s Night Out” which loosely translates to circle dancing and the superfluous rejection of men’s advances - unless they’re really, really cool, but are they ever?
Seated with us at the table was a petite dark skinned woman. She shook my hand and smiled as our mutual friend introduced us. I must say at this point that I’d had a few drinks, so getting up to dance to a fun song that came on was no problem, which is what my friend and I did. I took out a cigarette and lit it mid-sway and the petite lady walked over and asked me for a puff.
Sure enough, she took a deep drag and exhaled, blowing the smoke directly into my face. This is where I decided to shotgun the smoke (for those in the back that means inhaling the smoke out of someone else’s pursed lips.) This is also when I think I got her wires crossed. Instead of pulling away and letting me be, she pecked me on the lips.
No biggie right? Whatever, that’s cute. I didn’t react, just paused for a bit and kept dancing, though I told her she could keep the cigarette.
I think she took this to mean that it was OK to pursue me. Regardless, my idea of pursuit involves conversation and certain cues - cutting through boundaries until a certain level of comfort is reached. Right?
Wrong.
This woman was so much worse than the most aggressive straight guy that has ever hit on me at a club. She constantly invaded my space, touched me inappropriately and just did not stop even if I asked her to, both politely and very rudely.
If it was a man that made such aggressive moves, I would have slapped him across the face immediately he tried anything that made me as acutely uncomfortable as I felt. So why didn’t I shove her or call the bouncers on her? Because she was a petite woman and sexuality for women is somehow transient?
I couldn’t picture a gay guy being that aggressive towards a straight man.
I wanted to let it go, but I couldn’t, so in a slightly drunken rage, I pulled out my phone and started trawling the Internet for insight into this. I came upon this comment on a Reddit forum, a response to a situation that was very similar to mine:
“She is a very abrasive, disrespectful heterophobe. That kind of invalidation of another’s orientation is fucked up no matter who is doing the discriminating. She doesn’t get a free pass because she’s a dyke. Obviously no part of her self discovery whatsoever have her the capacity to understand what sexual orientation is, or how it feels for people, or the part about how she is not the one that gets a universal right to define it for anyone else ever.”
And this other one:
“You know, you can hit on a straight girl without being offensive. There is a huge difference in genuinely seeing if someone might be interested, acknowledging their right to say no, and RESPECTING whatever they tell you about it. Then there is deciding that you are the toddler God of all orientations and that the fact YOU want it entitles you to the reaction you want. I mean, she actually thinks that she is so awesome, and so desirable. That’s it is legitimately not possible for someone to be genuinely not interested in her. She projects interest onto everyone she is attracted to, and handles the discrepancy by concluding they just don’t know it yet, or they just need a push.”
It got to the point that I started blatantly ignoring her. She then proceeded to burn my neck with a lit cigarette. That was just batshit crazy, I won’t blame the entire lesbian community for her insanity.
What happens when the misogynistic and very creepy way that some men seek female attention is replicated by someone who has probably been on the receiving end of such uncouth behaviour. When lesbians are not feminist, is it their own ego or is it a convoluted way to accumulate “straight” trophies?
If anyone has any insight into this, do drop me a line!
By Abanga Shadile
