By the way, New Year resolutions suck. At the turn of the year, most people feel an obligation to start over, make new commitments and generally dive blindly into an endless ocean of potential self-improvement. But it’s all a lie. January 1st is just another day on the (man-made) calendar, propped up by the ‘Hallmark’ establishment—where the commercial pressure for self-help is so intense, we buckle under the weight of societal conformity. And if you’re at a loss for ideas on resolutions, just ask Google.

There are plenty of sites willing to guide you in the ‘right’ direction. We found one: Moninavelarde. com/newyears/—a New Years Resolution generator-engine. No thought required, just click the button five times and see what you get. Here’s what we got:

1) Fly to the Moon (Okay, admittedly that’s kind of cool, but of course very impractical.)

2) Spread Kindness (Especially here!)

3) Make a Quilt (Who makes quilts these days?)

4) Watch a Movie in 3D (Seen it. Done it. Next?)

5) Be Curious (You mean like a little, cute, fluffy kitty cat? Come on.) Bah Humbug. If you really want to change the world or yourself, make that an everyday commitment. Wake up and face the music every morning. Change doesn’t happen just one day a year. But hey, everyone’s doing the “resolutions dance”, right? So why shouldn’t we? Let’s at least make it fun. Bowing under the pressure of New Year’s renewal, UP tried to imagine our fair city as a person—a live human being with the Name ‘Nairobi’.

What would her resolutions be? How would she want to start-over in 2013 with a clean slate? Ms. Nairobi’s top five resolutions for the New Year are: 1) Lose Weight: “There’s a lot of fat at City Council and Parliament that I could easily drop through some spinning classes at Parklands Club. No one would miss the poundage.”

2) Get a Facial: “With all the illegal dumping, 2012 was an especially dirty and nasty year for me. I’m sure basic enforcement of the NEMA’s pollution laws would sort out the worst offenders, right?”

3) Stop Drinking: ”Well not completely, but at least when I know that I’m going to drive.”

4) Spend more time with my family: “In the lovely, vibrant metropolis that is ‘I’, there is no need stay at home when you can join the rest of my community at the many art exhibitions, concerts, plays, movies and events my home has to offer. Get off the couch, yo.”

5) Get a job: “There’s all these poor guys all over my streets without jobs getting into trouble. With elections around the corner, 2013 has to be the year where my government does something to stamp out unemployment.” In all seriousness, as we stare down the barrel of another election, a better city starts with you. Don’t give a bribe. Don’t throw your trash out the window. And, don’t be reckless and put others in danger. We hope you think these are all worthy causes for making Nairobi a better place to live in 2013.

Okay, maybe New Year’s resolutions aren’t so bad, provided they don’t turn into excuses and you can keep them. One resolution you should all have is to read more of UP magazine starting with our Year in Review issue, with such stories as: Top Five Musicians to Look Out for in 2013, Best Photography of 2012 and A Case for Arts and Culture in Kenya’s Transitional Year. Looking forward to seeing you around town in the New Year. Be safe.