Every mother, daughter, wife , girlfriend or sister has a secret thought: “If you want the job done right, hire a woman.” We hear you, loud and clear. But to be fair, that axiom may well depend on the job in question; clearly, there are certain jobs women probably do exponentially better than their male counterparts. Community leaders, for example, and doctors and parents and caregivers and social workers…and political decision makers. Think Wangari Maathai. Think Njoki Ndung’u. Powerhouses.

Every mother, daughter, wife , girlfriend or sister has a secret thought: “If you want the job done right, hire a woman.” We hear you, loud and clear. But to be fair, that axiom may well depend on the job in question; clearly, there are certain jobs women probably do exponentially better than their male counterparts. Community leaders, for example, and doctors and parents and caregivers and social workers…and political decision makers. Think Wangari Maathai. Think Njoki Ndung’u. Powerhouses.

In fact, the way women manage power may be their greatest feat of all. They can be fearless in their leadership, in mothering, in business. They design, they build, they look to the future. They gain a foothold and then a fan club. And what facet of the feminine mystique makes her so powerful? Listening. She hears you—passionately, perceptively, patiently.

Women rule. And this may be exactly what this country needs right now: a female force of nature. The ability to gain consensus on the issues and concerns that disturb our lives, is what women do best. Women create a bridge between he gaps that divide us, the gaps that strengthen us. They can drive, perhaps better than our fathers, brothers and husbands, to fix what ails us. Poverty. Corruption. Social security and food security. Technological advancement. The environment Women heal.

The healing and nurturing nature of feminine energy is urgently needed to create a forward-seeking direction for this republic—and to dismantle the decades-old, “boys-only” club so prevalent in Kenyan politics. Who, in particular, can step up and deliver? While not necessarily an endorsement for Martha Karua, she is a leading candidate for the presidency, worthy of examination and consideration—no matter her tribal affiliation. Have we thought enough about what she really stands for?

If you sat most any mother down and got her full story, then you may find a basic compassion for humanity that is unmatched in men. Certainly Martha must have this in her heart. If she can convince us of this, then she could be exactly what we need in a national leader. Then again, it’s not just the top seat in the country where women thrive. Look no further than the heroines in the pages of this edition of UP where we honor women leaders, great and small. Don’t forget to check out our brand new website, re-launched for your Urban Lifestyle pleasure. And tell us what you think of our fresh design, just in time for our one-year anniversary.

Meanwhile, you go, sister. Go.

some time. The previously unknown “phenomenon” has now raised questions on the state of marital affairs in that region and, by extension, the rest of the country. In 2009, the non-profit organization Maendeleo ya Wanaume carried out a survey in over 40 districts across the country. The findings showed that there were 1.5 million cases of husband abuse nationwide. A 2011 survey, focusing on the Central and Nairobi provinces, determined that more than 300,000 cases were recorded of men who had suffered abuse at the hands (and tongues) of their better halves.

Nderitu Njoka, founder and chairman of Maendeleo, stresses that many men suffer abuse in silence, making it look like it is a rare (if not seldom) occurrence. “Twenty-five percent of men who suffer abuse do so because of irresponsible behaviour,” he says, referring to husbands who engage in alcohol and other activities that frustrate their wives. Only three months ago in Kanamakwa, Nyeri County, a wife poured hot water on her husband who came home drunk, staggering and demanding food, despite having left nothing for the family earlier on.

Njoka believes the greater emphasis on the girl-child has led to the neglect of the boy-child. “Society imagines the boychild is okay. The girl has been taken care of more, the boy left out, vulnerable and unaware of how to act.” A statement, he says, that can be backed by the new constitution, which extends more attention and protection to women.

Is that true? Lilian Nyandoro, advocate of the High Court of Kenya and in charge of the Gender and Governance Programme in a regional NGO, agrees. “Times have changed, and women have become more independent. The man has to step up and not shy away,” she counsels.

So are a woman’s violent actions justified? Caroline Mbuthia, a psychologist, disagrees. She believes the abuse itself is “a desperate attempt to try to get him [the husband] to listen. Unfortunately, nothing can justify this kind of behaviour.”

For the past three months, Ms. Nyandoro has been conducting a women empowerment forum in Nyeri to help married couples find alternative ways to settle disputes. Betty Maina*, an attendee who has physically lashed out at her husband explains, “When your husband earns, on average, 100 Kenyan shillings a day, then wastes it on liquor every day, while you and the children suffer, words won’t get through to him.”

Her husband, Ephraim Maina*, also present at the open forum, blamed unemployment, “When a man has sorrow, he either drowns in it or drowns it in the cheap local brew,” he says. Blame can be passed on, excuses hurled, but at the end of the day, there is still a problem that needs to be dealt with. And as Ms. Mbuthia puts it, “Both the victim and perpetrator are in need of help.”

*Not their real names.

Caroline Mbuthia (Psychologist) +254 724 701 051; Lilian Nyandoro (Advocate of the High Court of Kenya) +254 722 660 166; Nderitu Njoka (Chair and Founder, Maendeleo Ya Wanaume), +254 722 764 995.

“I did not demand that he [new husband Felipe] become my Great Emancipator, or my Source of All Life, nor did I immediately vanish into that man’s chest cavity like a twisted, unrecognizable, parasitical homunculus.” --Elizabeth Gilbert

“I did not demand that he [new husband Felipe] become my Great Emancipator, or my Source of All Life, nor did I immediately vanish into that man’s chest cavity like a twisted, unrecognizable, parasitical homunculus.” --Elizabeth Gilbert, best-selling author of Eat, Pray, Love From her new book, Committed Some time ago, during a wine tasting of reds from the Rhone region of France, my girlfriends and I danced around the topic of love and romance, singlehood versus coupledom. We all had wonderful, wonderful lives, so the consensus was mixed. After all, tying the knot could, well, get “knotty”, a veritable noose around one’s neck. Were we truly experiencing a lack thereof without a man in our lives?

I rallied the gang with the mantra of BYOB: Be Your Own Boyfriend. Buy that house (or that island), take that trip, start that fashion house, win that award, climb that mountain, make that jackpot, start that family. Not to the exclusion, mind you, of mating or marriage, but instead, seeing a romantic, committed relationship as a spice in one’s journey rather than the solo (ahem) ingredient.

Says Molly, “I see BYOB played out every single day and night in New York with all of my single girlfriends who would rather be out having a laugh with one another than taking care of some man. The best quote was in the Sex and the City movie when the character Samantha breaks up with her boyfriend: ‘I like you, but I love me more.’ With money, independence, vibrators and career accomplishments, we seem to be needing men less and choosing them more.” Simply put, settling down is not necessarily settling up. Settling is not yippee, it’s not whoopee, it’s not an idea that ends in “ee”. Since when has it ever had anything but a negative connotation? Giving up, giving in, settling for Mr. Good Enough smacks of colonialism and occupied territories. It’s an under-siege mentality.

Because it’s not settling we dream of. Not as girls, not as teenagers, not as adults, not as wise women. We want our dreams to come to life. We want the real deal, the right choice, the true partner. Not Prince Not So Hot. We dream, instead, of becoming the compass for our own north star. In fact, BYOB has come to be the most empowering and delicious of factors in many of my girlfriends’ lives. From Nome to Nairobi, I checked in with a potpourri of my closest pals and some strangers, too. They range in age from their 20s to their 70s, representing singles, marrieds, divorcees and widows. Camilla, agelessly attractive and a single mother of two boys, will be sporting a bikini and sailing solo well into her 90s. Clara writes another book, scholarly and sublime. Shelley in California buys power tools and slices up her own floorboards Non the weekends. New Yorkers Liesl and Cynthia start their own East African safari company in their early thirties; each of them then marries and has her first child on the cusp of 40.

None of these women would consider settling for second best, not even if you took away their Mahnolos or martinis. They were born to BYOB. Their sensibility? “I complete me.” No people pleaser, you. We deserve someone who gets us. And how. Believe me, carry on making the most of yourself and he will find you. And while you’re at it, don’t forget these three little words, as explosive as “I love you”, which goddess Maya Angelou shared with Oprah Winfrey before she became the unofficial queen of BYOB: “You are enough.” Even that’s not good enough for me.

You are plenty, I say. A woman of plenty, a house of abundance. You have the world to give and the world to take, all on your own terms. And if the guy beside you wants to squeeze your hand and cherish the WOW, let him. Let him in. You are plenty.

Now that’s a proposal worth considering.Send your stories to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .