In order to arm the male UP readers with the tools they need to find love, we asked two beautiful Nairobi “It girls” what today’s woman wants from men. One, an old-fashioned romantic, said, “Women want that special guy. She wants him to be the ‘man’ in humanity, the fondant in her chocolate , as well as the kerosene in her lighter.” The second, a modern, fun-loving girl, set the bar a little lower:

“What I really want is a shiny, top-of-the-range iPad that I can stick in my oversized handbag and use to Google Idris Elba and Ryan Gosling. [All the] while pretending to read about the very serious implications of the collapse of the Eurozone or human rights abuses in China.” However, an accurate sociological portrait requires independent data from more than two women. So, we conducted a survey among men at Gypsy’s on a Friday night. This quickly revealed that both these women were utterly deluded—and lying.

What women really want is a front row view of his ”dangling diamonds”. What we want is to spend the evening flopping them this way and that way, for the delight of their owner. Plus, skinny jeans make you look amazingly manly, particularly when worn with pointy-toed, patent-leather boots. We love it when a guy talks about his ex-girlfriends with us. We are fascinated by how much he loved them, who gave the best blowjobs and who he really regrets letting go. Most of all, we need graphic sexual details. We want everything, including how he still tingles when he thinks about how his mother used to change his nappy.

It appears that bathing wearing clean clothes and brushing your teeth is not in style. Any attempt at oral hygiene speaks of homosexuality. A tongue should be green and we love it when you kiss us with your eyes closed, swirling your tongue like a puppy searching for a nugget of poo under a bed. And what about the act of love? Imitate an angry chef trying to get a strawberry out the bottom of a blender with a wooden spoon. Hair gel should be visible, ideally aping the younger Gaddafi’s. Your jeans should have matching greasy patches on the buttocks to indicate you do not indulge in hand washing, another pointless—and probably gay—exercise. How about not calling the morning after, the night before, or ever? Women love that. Women much prefer the thrill of being woken by a rattling doorknob when a man has run out of money for Tuskers, or is bored with masturbation and has run out of airtime for YouPorn. Women love that.

We love going for weekly bikini waxes, because we know we have to look like the suicidal porn stars who our men spend 30% of their time watching, with our airtime, so that we can’t download movies that feature women who can talk. We love that. Women all want to have a man’s baby, but only in an “open relationship”. We like our babies to know that their fathers only stick around long enough to have their dangling diamonds flopped from left to right. How else are they going to raise the next generation of men who go to Gypsy’s? We hope you have enjoyed this survey and that you feel it matches up to the quality of our previous survey, “Why Chips in Peptang Taste So Good.”