Everyone seems to be going on strike -- teachers, lecturers, doctors and nurses. Who will be next? If anyone has earned the right to go on strike, it is taxi drivers. I am actually planning to call for one. Rally taxi drivers together, barricade all parking spots in town, and stand side-by side holding hands while swinging them back and forth. We shall sing, “So-li-darity for-e-ver” in the kind of voices that require the disclaimer, “Please listen to the words and not the voice. Let the words minister to you.”

I will tell you why. We are harassed from all sides and angles. To begin with, we wage daily battles with the forces of the city council. At least now, given that they are required to wear a uniform, the enemy is identifiable. Previously, plain-clothed city council askaris were a terror, appearing out of nowhere and detaining you without cause. All manner of punitive by-laws are available to this erstwhile enemy. There are fines for driving over a pavement, having your car breakdown within the central business district, illegal parking, or even dropping off a passenger in an undesignated location.

The biggest mistake while dealing with them is to put up any form of resistance. These guys are well versed in subduing perpetrators with what has come to be known as “hand to- below-waist” tactics. Carjackers are another big issue. Woe unto you should you fall prey to them. Taxi drivers are a hot property because we are in the business of letting strangers into our cars in numbers ranging from one to four. Plus, we are in the (unfortunate) business of driving -- a skill particularly useful for robbers looking to make a quick getaway. Ten years ago, I was shocked to find out that one of the allegedly notorious carjackers gunned down in the city centre was my colleague Erastus.

The local daily had a picture of his bullet-ridden body, lying in a pool of blood with a pistol inches away from his lifeless hand. Next to the body was a carefully arranged line of bullets, meticulously sequenced in descending order of height. The story doing the rounds was that a group of carjackers commandeered his taxi, and he was the unfortunate victim of the then-trigger-happy flying squad. In other things “corpus”, have I mentioned how corporate clients can be a pain in the derriere? Much as they bring good business, they are too demanding. Although fully aware of the traffic situation in the city, they are incredibly unreasonable, expecting the taxi driver to be at their doorstep within minutes. They also expect you to wait at no extra charge! Corporate clients just seem to expect the world, demanding that you cut corners to avoid traffic so they get to their destination on time, but should you get in trouble for it, you are on your own.

To their credit, they are much better than the campus students we have to ferry every so often. Oh my. What should I say about this group? They only require taxi services at night. They usually travel in packs and believe that a four-passenger taxi can carry eight of them. They are rowdy, rude and generally intoxicated. Their favourite tactic is to get you to drop them off near their campus grounds where they proceed to jump out of the taxi and flee without paying. These students apply their knowledge of geography since each has his/her own chosen direction of flight.

One goes north, another south, the other east, while another scurries southwest. As a taxi driver, you either demand payment in advance, or refuse to offer them service. But by far the worst lot to I’ve ever ferried are the karaoke kings/queens. They want to sing along to the radio, loudly and off key. With all due respect, members of the fairer sex are the biggest perpetrators. It starts with, “Oh, I love that song, please increase the volume.” They then proceed to totally massacre the song with the wrong words, key and/or pace.

Nowadays, I use my Bluetooth hands-free device to deal with these people. I pretend I have gotten an urgent call from the next client and that I am confirming directions to their location. I usually say “Where? Where? Sorry, I cannot hear you properly so let me switch off my radio…” The biggest problem with this is that these customers will never give you any form of tip once you drop them off. Given all these hazards, we are well justified to go on strike. Question is, to whom do we address our woes? Naomba serikali…